I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
