I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
