were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
