After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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