this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
