I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
