you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
