I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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