Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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