you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
