It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
