I would go down on you faster than GM stock
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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