listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
