Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
