Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
