There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Randomize
