peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
