she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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