I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
