She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
