dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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