my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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