AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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