i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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