I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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