There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
