I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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