My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
