my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
