my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
