"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
