woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
