i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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