you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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