I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
