Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
