I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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