plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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