My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
