that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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