If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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