Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
