maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
