Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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