When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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