I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
