Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
