No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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