So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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