Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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