I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
