I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
